I Do What I Want :) (live.laugh.love)

My friends think im really selfish, but in reality i’m not. I put everyone before myself, I can help it. I’d rather put a smile on someone’s face or make them laugh at my own expense. I’m always the one to ask “How’s life going?” or “What’s going on?”. I give hugs to my friends when they seem down. But it;s never really reciprocated….No one asks me how im doing or whats going on in my life, so instead i just tell them. I mean what else am i supposed to do if no one asks me??? So it seems like I have to make every topic about me, but in reality if they just asked it would take two seconds. But that rarely happens. I’m a simple person, for me if someone just asks me if i’m okay, it’ll really go a long way. Sometimes all I need is a hug, but it just seems no one wants to give me one. 

I

I’m really a nice person, I swear. Naturally I’m just a positive, happy, cup half full kind of person. In lower school I was the shy nice girl that knew everyone in her grade and was known for being nice. Came middle school I started to find my voice and became more outspoken. And once high school came around I was more than happy to speak my opinion whether they were positive or negative around my friends, but to everyone I was still the nice girl. But coming to college I’ve just turned into a mean person to my closest friends. My positive attitude has changed into the complete opposite of happy. I’m not sure if it’s because im in a different environment and I’m trying to figure out who i am or if it’s because of the people i hang out with. As much as I love them they are sometimes negative and that has fallen on me. Also when i get drunk, which is almost every weekend, I get frustrated and angry easily. It sucks because I turn into a monster and st don’t care about who i hurt until i wake up the next morning and realized what i had done. And not only when I’m drunk do i get frustrated easily but it also happens more frequently when im sober too. Again I dont know if it’s because my environment has changed or what. Also it didnt help that in the beginning of the semester I was deemed the angry black girl. Like everyone expects me to get angry if certain things happen. Back home no one anticipated me getting angry, it’s such a change for me. I just have all this pent up anger and when Im sober i can just kind of push it down, but when im drunk it all comes out and then Hurricane Kali rolls in. I just want it to stop and have the anger go away

Lost

Im not sure what my problem is. I know for sure I have high anxiety, yet none of my friends seem to understand that. I tend to over think every situation, whether it’s about making sure every detailed is planned out for the weekend even though its only a tuesday or making sure my outfit goes together. But unfortunately, this fixation or compulsive thinking also affects my relationship with close friends. With my friends who I have decided are my closest in college I tend to treat the worst because of my high anxiety, Almost everyday I feel as though they are talking about me behind my back or trying to find ways to avoid me. I don’t understand why i put those thoughts into my head because it hurts so bad, I know they love me, but its almost as if I try to convince myself that they really don’t. So when they don’t do what I want, or don’t do/say what I want them to say I get so frustrated and don’t know how to release my anger other than getting mad and start yelling. I wasn’t like this in high school at all. I loved my friends and my best friend. who attends a different college than me, are attached to the hip and rarely ever fight. I guess I just really want to call someone my best friend here at college, but I don’t feel like I can. I get so close to saying, “she’s my best friend in college” but then they do something or i convince myself that they actually aren’t. It sucks so bad and I just don’t know what to do because no one understands me or even tries to help.

When my friend leaves the bar early because she’s going to the gym in the morning

whatshouldwecallme: